The third important point of 5-Point Wellness is Social Health. Your social health is the ability to effectively interact with others by establishing meaningful relationships with family, friends and other people throughout your life. Your quality of life is improved through frequent and positive interactions with all people.
Is it really possible to have positive relationships with all people that you encounter? We at 5-Point Wellness believe that it is possible to have positive relationships regardless of when we encounter opposition. The most important factors in this equation is love for others and effective adult communication.
Love of others ranges from being respectful to people generally all the way to having an intense affection for people. Regardless of the definition of Love, without knowing how to effectively communicate your love to others it is pretty much useless. 5-Point Wellness likes the communication model called, “The 5 love languages” written by Gary Chapman.
Having said that, all people need to learn how to be strong verbal communicators regardless of their primary love language outlined in Gary Chapman's book. 5-Point Wellness believes the the adult communication model is a key social skill necessary to improve your social relationships with all people. The adult communication model is a two way process that involves both how we verbally receive communication and how we speak to others.
The adult communication model consists of the formula that we refer to as the, OTFNWD.
O equals seeing or observing;
T represents thinking;
F represents feelings;
N represents needs;
W represents wants or wish list;
and D represents doing.
Most people when they communicate or argue with a loved one usually argue about everything but the core of the issues. The OTFNWD communication process creates a process in which you can communicate effectively and wisely without being combative or rude.
For example, if you are having a disagreement with your spouse or loved one about a certain topic, lets say your spouse states, “you never listen to me about anything”. Typically most of us would jump to the defense and say, “that's false!” or “that's bull shit” or use some other description. Then an ensuing argument will take place; feelings might be hurt; and then eventually hopefully a calm and rational discussion will take place. However, if this destructive parent child communication method occurs too frequently eventually enough damage is done that feelings are hurt permanently.
There is a better way to communicate. We at 5-Point Wellness want to show you how the Adult Communication method would work in this same situation.
Using the same phrase, “you never listen to me about anything”. Instead of going on the defense your mind needs to be reprogrammed to hear these types of statements and immediately go to the OTFNWD mode. What is this mode? The initial response would sound something like, “I see that you are bothered by something, do you mind sharing what it is”? Depending upon how well you know this person and how long you have communicated using the parent child communication method, it will take some time to reintegrate this process. The individual still might be skeptical about how you responded and still might be on the defensive. You would then reiterate, “I see that you are upset about something could it be...”? You state what you see might be the issue and then ask for confirmation. It may take a little time to tease out of the other individual what it is that they are really upset about, but be patient and listen to really what is being said. Despite the attacks that may take place listen carefully because there are clues that will pop up to give you a clear idea of what it is that you need to discuss.
Once you identify what the issue that needs to be resolved then you can move on to the T portion of the process. T stands for thinking. Now this stage is typically more difficult to deal with because women often mix the thinking and feelings together and confuse their male counter part. Men traditionally go to thinking and then later jump to the feeling portion. They rarely do both at the same time. So stay on target and discuss what you both think about the issue is and discuss it.
Once you have discussed it find out how the other feels about it. If you inadvertently jump to quickly to how they feel about it then revert back to the thinking phase and continue to discuss it. Then move on to the feeling phase.
Now a caution to men. This is dangerous territory for you because men typically deal with things by feeling angry. We aren't sure why this is but statistically speaking men typically tend to get angry if they move on to the feeling phase to quickly. You then discuss how it makes you feel. Now, keep in mind as you and the other individual become better at communicating then the different phases will transition smoothly and resolution will come more quickly.
The next stage is N. N stands for Needs. As you and the other individual discuss things you need to make sure that you are addressing basic needs first prior to jumping to the want stage. If a person is always putting their wants in front of the other persons needs then the relationship is doomed to fail. Basic needs need to be filled prior to fulfilling the want stage. The core categories of basic needs include; physiological needs, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self actualization. The details of these basic needs are:
Physiological needs include: air, water, food, good health, and excretion.
Safety needs include: security of body, employment, resources, morality, family, health and property.
Love/Belonging needs include: Loving and being loved by family and friends, and having fulfillment of your love languages.
Esteem needs include: Self-esteem, self-confidence, frequent achievement, respecting others and being respected by others.
All communication either falls into either one of the basic need categories or in a want category. If what you are disagreeing about is a basic need issue then once a solution is derived then you skip to the D category.
D stands for Do. Do it and be consistent at what it is that you have agreed to do. At first you may fail a couple of times but when an honest effort is made then the other can see that that you value them and will easily grant forgiveness when you aren't able to always be consistent but are making diligent efforts.
One could argue that you could spend a life time on just dealing with the basic needs section. This is very true in many respects; however, once you become consistent at using the adult communication method then you can begin to move some of the wants into the basic needs category.
We like to call the wants section the wish list section because the wish list section needs to exist to continue to add good quality of life. Everyone has interests and wants. If wants are never fulfilled then life will become mundane and plane boring.
The key thing to remember that the Adult communication method is important to know how to navigate well because it will empower you not only in family relationships but also at business and when dealing with acquaintances. It is a very powerful and effective tool to learn.
At 5-point wellness we provide a forum for you through coaching. We have delveloped our own adult communication video series to help assist with giving suggestions on how to handle some of the issues that we all deal with on a day to day basis. Here are some basic tips that we cover in our video series educating people on the Adult Communication Model.
- 1. Think of 3 things you are grateful for on a daily basis.
- 2. Try and give someone at least 1 compliment a day.
- 3. Be open to change.
- 4. Don’t be afraid to make a mistake. Learning from failure is a great teacher.
- 5. Surround yourself with people who make you want more out of life, touch your heart and nourish your soul.
- 6. Read good books.
- 7. Look for positive uplifting quotes.
- 8. Do 1 thing you fear each day.
- 9. Have faith in yourself.
- 10. Define yourself by the values that you are willing to struggle for!
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